The Shoemaker's Daughter. A memoir of days, both past and present, by Rhonda Mason.

I am tired today.

In the morning, I lose my patience with Lewis because he cries every time I walk away. In the afternoon, I take out my exhaustion on the big boys. Instead of showing them grace, I am harsh and stern with them.

At bedtime, I apologise for my grumpiness and lack of patience, and I thank them for being such wonderful boys. I tell them that it is not them, but me. During prayer time, Jamie (bless him) prays that mummy will not be so stressed.

After I put Lewis to bed, I return to the big boys. I close the door behind me and lie down on the floor with my head on Bear’s bed.

In the still of the darkness, I sing them song after song.

It is my peace offering.

My way of saying “thank you” for the way they love me unconditionally. Because even when I am harsh, these amazing boys show me nothing but grace.

As I sing my last song—You Loved Me—I think of Cameron and how we sang it at his funeral.

I think of his face—his beautiful, sleeping face—and emotion washes over me.

Love. Pain. Regret. Gratitude. Joy. Hope.

My voice becomes shaky, and tears roll down my cheek.

Afterwards, I say a short and quiet pray.

“Dear God, thank you that Cameron is with you…”

Without skipping a beat, all the boys join me in saying, “Amen.”

A moment later, Angus speaks up.

“I’m sad… I’m sad that I never got to see Cameron while he was alive…”

More tears roll down my cheek.

“I know, daring… I’m sad too… I’m sad that Cameron isn’t with us, but I’m so thankful that we have you boys…”

Yes, even in the face of such a terrible loss, God has shown us grace.

Before leaving, I give them all an extra kiss goodnight.

As I lean over Gus, I whisper ever so quietly: “I love you, Angus. Thanks for being you…”

  • alexa said:

    Moving, as your writing so often is. What sensitive, caring boys you have raised. They learn that from you, I think ...

    • Rhonda Mason said:

      Thank you, Alexa. So lovely that you continue to read here.
      Ronnie xo

  • Elisa said:

    I adore your writing Ronnie. Thank you for sharing your beautiful sense of faith. Thank you xx

    • Rhonda Mason said:

      Thank you for your sweet words, as always.
      Ronnie xo

  • Elena said:

    Thank you for sharing Ronnie. You are right our children love us unconditionally, I had have a hard year battling with PND and Breast Cancer and I do something loose my patience with my 2.5 year old daughter. I really love the way you show them love and respect by apologising and praying together to repair your feelings for each other. This reminds me to ensure I don't forget to repair my daughters feelings after we have one one of those! Thank you!

    • Rhonda Mason said:

      I'm so sorry to hear of your hard year, Elana... I am thinking of you.
      Ronnie xo

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